last updated 29-May 2009
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“I can see that you learnt to play today but could you tell me what time today?”
A fellow had made a bad bid and gone for 1400.
“I'm sorry,” he said to his partner, “I had a card misplaced.”
Asked his partner innocently, “Only one card?”
The hostess of a bride got a last minute call from one of the players that she was sick. Unable to get a replacement on such short notice, she drafted her husband, a mediocre player with an attitude.
During the game, he got up and went to the bathroom, leaving the door slightly ajar. Everyone listened as he urinated into the toilet.
Embarrassed, his wife called out, “John, would you please close the door!”
John's partner said, “Never mind, it's the first time since we started playing that I've known what the man has in his hand!”
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some bridge players appear bright until you hear them speak in the post-mortem.
How should I have played?
“How should I have played that hand?”
“Under an assumed name”
A doctor, concerned about the physical condition of one of his bridge-playing patients, during a regular check-up asked,
“Do you get much exercise?”
|“Only when I sit East-West,” was the reply
“But I might be dying!” says the man.
“Sorry, a doctor will see you when one is available.”
Then an ambulance races up with its siren blaring, and a woman is carried in on a stretcher. A paramedic explains, “She was in a terrible accident and has just stopped breathing.”
“I’m sorry,” says the nurse, “she’ll have to wait in line.”
Next a guy walks in without assistance, whispers something to the nurse and is taken immediately to the examination room, surrounded by doctors.
“What’s this?” says the first man. “How come he goes right in?”
“Oh,” explains the nurse, “he’s a bridge player and his partner just passed him in a cue-bid.”
“Hi there!” she says.
The man is amazed. “But… but… how did you get here?”
“Never mind,” says the woman as she unzips the left pocket of her wet suit and hands the man a cigarette.
“Wow, this is terrific! I haven’t had a smoke in 10 years!”
“Enjoy!” says the woman as she unzips the right pocket of her wet suit and gives the man a flask of whiskey.
“I can’t believe it! This tastes so good!”
Next the woman starts to unzip the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit. “Now I’ve got something you really want.”
“What!” he says, “Don’t tell me you’ve got a deck of cards in there too!”
When it finally ends, the distraught wife is in tears and says, “How can he be so inconsiderate? That was terrible!”
“You’re right, honey. All he had to do was take a finesse.”
The duffer unfolded a map of the world and said, “Let all of these countries live in peace and harmony.”
“You’ve got to be kidding! I’m only a genie.”
The duffer thought for a while and then suggested, “OK, then make me a winning bridge player.”
“Hmm… ” the genie pondered. “Let me see that map again.”
Professional OpinionBill: My cardiologist says I can't play bridge.
Tom: Why not? Do you have a heart problem?
Bill: Nope. He's just played with me enough to know I'm hopeless.
“Let's send up a signal flare,” said the first aviator.
“Won't work!” said the second. “Let's build a fire so they'll see the smoke.”
“No!” said the third. “We'll need all the wood to build a shelter.”
“Whoa!” said the last, an avid bridge player. “Let's just shoot down another plane so we can have a team game.”
Did You Know?43.6 percent of all slam contracts fail.
62.7 percent of all bridge players are women.
97.8 percent of all bridge statistics, including these, are made up.
Joe: Has he seen a doctor?
Jim: Yes, he’s been to many doctors.
Joe: Can’t they eliminate the pain?
Jim: Oh, sure. But they also eliminated all his money.
About the lady who always went down one in 3 NT? When asked about this she said she was just following her teacher’s advice: “Eight ever, Nine never.”
About the man who led the 8 from 98 doubleton because his teacher told him "eight ever, nine never"
About the Elvis Presley coup? It's when your left-hand opponent leads from his A-Q around to your K-x: the King is no longer dead!
Better than all the rest...
The ultimate quest
Three wise Kings came from the West
Many bridge players have now invested
Playing bridge against Hannibal Lector
Some visitors came to Pattaya
Now Chuck was a fearsome virago
No Luck for Chuck
There once was a member named Chuck
No Guess for Bess
There once was a player named Bess,
There once was a player from Beirut
I mistook my partner's intent
Bridge players on the Titanic
A member who hailed from East Cheam
To revoke is no joke
There was a member from Stoke
Ode to John...
There once was a member named John
... John's final reverse
....for his reverse was four-four
Brighter after Lightner
I once bid a Lightner double
If your partner can't follow suit
|A competitor was called away on an emergency from a bridge tournament, with still the last board to play. So the players asked a kibitzer to take his place although he knew nothing about the game. They told him "Just bid what you've got and follow suit". He sat South and the following bidding sequence ensued:|
It’s Not Unusual — partner’s scream after you misinterpret his 2NT bid.
Monday, Monday — what you wish for after single-handedly blowing the Swiss Teams on Sunday.
The Second Time Around — the usual occasion when your aces get trumped.
Somethin’ Stupid — whichever line of play you decide to take.
‘Til the End of Time — normal duration before admitting your bridge mistakes.
Double Indemnity — removing all the redouble cards from your opponents’ bidding boxes.
20,000 Leagues Under the Sea — the source of the ACBL’s new motto, “Let’s not be number 20,001.”
West Side Story — what the appeals committee would not buy as they ruled for North-South.
Sue: I play fourth best.
Jan: Then why not the five?
Sue: Darn! I always forget which end to count from.
Eight Ever, Nine Never — the status quo whenever you raise 2NT to 3NT.
Second Hand Low — the easiest way to lose your aces on defense.
Leading Through Strength — a sure-fire way to make your queens disappear.
A bumbling bridge player explained to his friend how he planned to improve his game: “Every night when I go to bed I think about the mistakes I made that day at the bridge table.”
|“Gee,” his friend said, “how do you get any sleep?”|
The first button said “Genius.” I pressed it and was totally dumfounded as Robbie spoke, “In the General Theory of Relativity, what is the relationship between inertial and gravitational mass?”
Say what? You’ve got to be kidding! I could see Mabel must have spent some big bucks on this thing. I quickly moved along to the second button which said “Normal” and pressed it. Robbie paused for a few moments and then asked, “In Euclidean Geometry what are the five platonic solids?”
Darn! I learned that in high school, but I just couldn’t remember them all. Oh, well; I was almost normal. I noticed the third button was labeled “Useless” and out of curiosity I pressed it. Wow! My eyes lit up fast as Robbie began, “You hold ace fifth, king-jack fourth…”
A land developer was appalled with the high estimates to construct an apartment complex, and he pleaded with the contractors to lower their proposals. Almost immediately, the F.H.A. intervened and forced him to accept the lowest proposal. In other words: Because of the interference, he was unable to reverse the bidding.
Sally: No, never heard of it.
Sue: Then what do you lead from three-small?
Sally: Fourth best, I guess.
A well-timed invoke is most effective against declarers who count the cards. Imagine their frustration as the 14th or 15th spade appears!
Therefore, until the authorities wise up, keep this tactic in mind. The next time you are out of a suit, consider following instead. It works!
I am proud to have won the Reisinger Teams, formerly called the Chicago. My son won his category once in the Mini-McKenney; but then it was the Little McKenney. Sheesh! Is there that much difference between Little and Mini that a change was even necessary?
And what ever happened to the Men’s Pairs? Now it’s always the Open Pairs. I’m sure this is some kind of sexist thing, but I wish someone would tell me if I am being slighted or not.
Oh well, at least I can look forward to the next Nationals, er, I mean, North American Championships.
|This club's playing area is always at the right temperature - never too hot or too cold.|
|Free coffee? No thanks.|
|Cool! A four board sit-out.|
|No. I don't think tournament fees are too high.|
|I can always count on my partner to remember every convention on our card.|
|No gosip, please. I'm not interested.|
|Great. More new alerts! More new Alerts!|
|One thing I can say about bridge players - they sure know how to dress.|
|No matter which direction we sit, the cards always go our way.|
|I don't feel like bridge today. I'd rather jog and work out.|
If you have any suitable bridge jokes, then send me an e-mail: terry at pattayabridge dot com